Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
