Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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