dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
