Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
