I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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