i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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