I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
