Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
