He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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