Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize