So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
