You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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