I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
