NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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