I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
