In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
