i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
