made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
