Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
