mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
