how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
