Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
