I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
