I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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