My friends, they love my intelligence
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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