I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
