i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize