I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
