I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
