Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
even my farts smell like vagina
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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