it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
