i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
