life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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