my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
