if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize