i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
