If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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