Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
