its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
