My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
