after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Randomize
