He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
We are all done wearing pants today
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
