shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He? As in you personified your dick?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
