It's a beautiful day for a hangover
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
