I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize