My sheets look like a crime scene.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I just found a bag of teeth...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
