The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
