You made me cry and you don't even care
we have pet lesbian snakes
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize