Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
