where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
