Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
