My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
