She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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