We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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