I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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