i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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