im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
