The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
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