Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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