Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
